Saturday, May 31, 2008

Funniest Airline Flight Announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

2. Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

7. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines."

8. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

9. "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

10. "Last one off the plane must clean it."

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight."

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

13. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

16. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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Em said...

hahaha.. this is funny..nice one:)

SheR. said...

I wonder how anyone handled those announcements? Laughing themselves silly or freaking out?

Gratcia said...

Hahahaaa! I love this too funny, STUMBLED it (^_^)

Anonymous said...

lol! funny!! enjoyed this one...

TBD said...

On a recent flight I took, the flight attendant said at the end of the flight, "We know you had your choice of flying with several bankrupt airlines, and we thank you for choosing this one."

kumin said...

My personal favorite was on a air france flight, the attendant said in a calm and cold voice:

" In case of an emergency please watch your head as the oxygen masks are made out of iron, the life jackets are under your seats, if yours is missing don't steal your neighboor's and accept your faith..."

Adam said...

I once had a stewardess tell us something like this:

"Hello, welcome to Southwest Airlines. I want to alert you all that there is no smoking inside the plane. However, you are free to visit our smoking sections located on either wing."

Bob Mathews said...

I had a multi-segment trip on Air France, taking me from IAH to BCN and ending up at LAX. On the flight out of Houston, the FAs were making the standard announcement about not messing with the smoke detectors in the lavatories, and the guy said if you do, you'll be "persecuted". Thinking that was just an error in translation, and a one-time slip by this FA, I specifically listened for that part of the announcement on the remaining legs. Every single FA said the same thing. Funny though, each time, I looked around and didn't see any of them with whips or chains, so I wasn't exactly sure what type of persecution they had in mind.

Nathan said...

I was flying between Trinidad and Tobago and they had contests. They asked for people with holes in their socks, swim suit under their cloths and sunscreen in their carry on. Each winner got a bottle of wine. Definitely not something you could get away with in the US.

Monash said...

really funny...enjoyed reading them...wondering about the passengers in such flights!!!

Paul said...

Very funny. Thanks. This will be on soon

Marisa said...

i had a flight attendent say, on southwest, recently: "thank you for flying southwest, trust me no one love's you money than us. come back soon!"

and on the same plane: "there is to be no smoking on this flight even in the lavatories. if you had wanted to spend $2,200,000 dollars for this trip you probably wouldn't be flying with us."

Roger said...

On a US Airways flight to Phoenix, AZ, the pilot came up with this one: "In a few minutes the flight attendants will be turning off the cabin lights to improve your appearance."

Jack P said...

Once on a Virgin Blue (Australia) flight to Brisbane the air hostess was giving the usual warning until she got to the no smoking part. "Smoking on this plane is a federal offence. The Toilets have been fitted with smoke detectors and cameras for our enjoyment." She added later "just joking about the smoke detectors".